Emotionally unhealthy people can hurt you

I am lucky enough to have many wonderful people in my life who love and support me. My husband, my family, most of my co-workers and most of my friends don't really give me cause for complaint.

But there are those few people in my life with whom I don't think I'll ever be able to establish a healthy, mature relationship. For a long time, I wondered if it was me, but after observing them with other people, I think it's them. I don't think they are able to have a healthy adult relationship with anyone.

Why? Because they are what I call emotionally unhealthy. They are the people who react in strange and unexpected ways to you simply being yourself, leaving you quite unsure of what just happened.

If you’re trying to live a healthy life – one that includes self-examination, learning and growth – these emotionally unhealthy people can harm it by causing you extra stress, draining your mental energy and screwing up your emotional state.

It's like the Pareto principle, also known as the 80-20 rule, which says that for many events, 80 percent of the effects come from 20 percent of the causes. When applied to the people in your life, it means that 80 percent of your emotional stress comes from 20 percent of the people. Consequently, 80 percent of your time and energy also goes into managing and dealing with that 20 percent.

I've had some experiences with emotionally unhealthy people, and they certainly cause 80 percent of my mental stress. Here are some of the unhealthy traits they can show.

• They have to be the center of attention. Sometimes they become childish and petulant if they don’t feel like people are paying attention to them.


• They seek acceptance and respect, but they don't return it.


• They have to win an argument at all costs, sometimes even saying things that are “below the belt” to do so.


• They are know-it-alls. They have to show what they know, but don’t let you contribute your knowledge.


• They always have to be right.


• They ask for your ideas, then argue with them.


• They want to influence you, but won't let you influence them.


• They ask you a question, but then don't take the time to listen to your answer. As soon as they think of something else to say, they interrupt.


• They change the rules. As soon as you think you’ve established something about them and learned how to deal with them, they change on you, leaving you confused.


• They have bad boundaries. They either use you to fulfill some emotional need that is outside the purview of the relationship, or they take everything you do and say personally and make it about them.

If you have people in your life with these traits, instead of allowing them affect you in unhealthy ways, you need to devise strategies for putting boundaries on them so they don’t suck away your mental energy and harm your emotional well-being.

In my next post, I’ll explore some of the strategies I’ve used for dealing with the emotionally unhealthy people in my life.

Do you have emotionally unhealthy people in your life? In what ways do they harm you? What traits do they show?