Emotional eating takes its toll

Why do you eat?

Is it because your body needs nourishment? Or is it because you are unhappy and depressed, and you think that piece of cake will make you feel better?

Luckily, I've never been an emotional eater. I've always eaten for nutrition. If I indulge in a piece of cake, it's because I want a treat.

But I've seen people who are emotional eaters, and they are not happy.

I have known people who "can't resist" so-and-so's wife's cookies, or people who "have to do something" for someone when they have a birthday or leave their job.

In their eyes, "have to do something" means getting a large cake or a colossal cookie.

Since an emotional eater ties their gratification to food, the only way they can show their appreciation for others is also through food.

I saw an example recently of someone who is not very well thought of at his workplace who bought lunch at a sit-down restaurant for a group of nine people. Once you include appetizers and tip, the bill had to be around $100!

Funny thing is, this person will complain that he never has any money. If that's the case, how can he afford to pick up a $100 lunch bill? Was he genuinely doing something nice for the group, or was he hoping the group would think better of him in return? In other words, was he trying to buy friends with food?

I don't know for sure, and probably will never know, but I suspect it's the latter.

I've also known people on weight loss programs like Weight Watchers who just can't stop cheating. Weight Watchers and other programs like it cost money. I never have been able to understand why someone would pay money to be part of a program that they are not even going to follow. Does the emotional eating get in the way of their weight loss?Are they afraid of losing weight for some reason? Do they like being fat?

I think emotional eating comes from deeper problems than just being overweight, and that if an unhappy person loses weight, but doesn't work on their other issues, they will go right back to using food as comfort. Which mean they will go right back to being fat.

A Good Housekeeping column agrees. The author says, "If emotional eating is a challenge for us, if we suffer because of the size of our bodies and our relationship to food, then somehow we end up believing that getting rid of the fat will take away the suffering. When it doesn’t, we feel so betrayed that we eat to comfort ourselves."

She recommends an experiment: Instead of waiting to be thin to be happy, try being happy right now. Live as if you were already thin, as if you liked yourself, as if you chose to have the life you have right now.

I like that.

An entry on The Fit Shack says, "If you do not work on your inner self and find the things in your life that you are happy about now and cultivate them to create more happiness, that unhappiness will more than likely follow you even if you lose weight, and you’ll find yourself either an unhappy thin person or an unhappy person who regained the weight they previously lost."

My favorite poem, "Desiderata," ends with the line, "Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

If you are an emotional eater, I hope you can take this advice to heart and find it within yourself to break your attachments to food. There is much happiness to be found in this world, and it lasts longer than a piece of cake. You only have to look for it.

Are you an emotional eater? What struggles have you had? How did you overcome them?

What kind of body do you see in the mirror?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you think?

Do you generally like the way you look, or do you frown at your nose, your eyes, your too-small or too-large breasts, your round hips or your big butt?

A poor body image can cause you to obsess about everything you perceive is wrong with your body. It’s no secret that quite a few women have body image problems. We are bombarded with pictures of young, thin, tall models in the media. Fitness magazines show women on the covers with willowy figures and perfectly flat abs.

Body image is all about perception -- how you see yourself. Sure, media messages can affect our body image, but so can our own inner voice.

I long ago accepted my body and all of its good points and bad points. I have a bit of a pot belly. I’m not going to achieve those perfectly flat abs any time soon. I also have a bit more cellulite than I would like on my thighs.

But you know what I like? My arms and chest are well-toned and strong, much more so than they were a few years ago. My legs are strong, and my muscles are flexible. Underneath my perpetual layer of belly fat are some pretty strong ab muscles. I also practice yoga, and I am able to achieve some fairly advanced poses.

Overall, not bad. I work with what I’ve got.

I ran across a study in the American Journal of Public Health that found the difference between actual and desired body weight was a stronger predictor of mental and physical health than the body mass index (BMI). This study raises the possibility that some of the health effects of the obesity epidemic are related to the way we see our bodies.

A great women’s heath Web site says a poor body image can lead to emotional distress, low self-esteem, dieting, anxiety, depression and eating disorders. Developing a positive body image and a healthy mental attitude is crucial to a woman's happiness and wellness.

The site gives some healthy lifestyle tips that can help you improve your body image.

• Healthy eating can promote healthy skin and hair, along with strong bones.


• Regular exercise has been shown to boost self-esteem, self-image, and energy levels.


• Plenty of rest is key to stress management.

Although body image problems are more common among women, we can’t forget the other gender. Yes, men can have body image problems, too. This article says that males with body image disorders are showing up with increasing frequency in psychiatrists' offices, and more men are abusing steroids in an attempt to build muscle.

I don’t think this trend is good for either gender. We should be worried about being as healthy as we can be, both physically and mentally, and not trying to attain some impossible standard that the media promotes.

Sure, you do want to be at a healthy body weight. And sure, you want to wear flattering clothes and have a nice hairstyle. But it’s not until you accept the reality of your body – and I mean the good points as well as the bad points – that you will be truly carry yourself with confidence and pride.

What do you like about your body? What do you dislike? What can you change, and what do you have to simply accept?

How do you handle emotionally unhealthy people?

In my previous post, I highlighted some of the traits of emotionally unhealthy people, and discussed how 20 percent of the people in your life can take 80 percent of your time and emotionally energy.

In this post, I’ll talk about some of the strategies I’ve used for dealing with the emotionally unhealthy people in my life.

A healthy life includes emotional balance, and emotionally unhealthy people can throw off that balance before you know it. If you arm yourself with a few of these strategies -- or others that you have come up with -- you'll have a much better chance of keeping your own emotions in check.

The best strategy for dealing with an emotionally unhealthy person is to minimize contact with them, or if you can, cut contact altogether. Don't force yourself to interact with the emotionally unhealthy person any more than necessary.

However, if we could always use that strategy, there would be no need to defend ourselves against emotionally unhealthy people, would there? That would be too easy.

Here are some others for those times when you are forced to deal with these types of people.

• Minimize their influence in your life. Put them in a little box in your mind. They belong there, and only there. Don't let them sneak into other parts of your life.


• Let them have all the attention they want. Or at least, pretend to. If you are in the same room with an attention hog, it may be best to just let them have it. If you try to compete with them, you'll likely just escalate the situation. Keep your facial expression polite and neutral, nod or comment when appropriate, but don't give them anymore than that. Believe me, if they are an attention-seeker, they'll fill in the rest.


• Seek respect elsewhere. If you know an emotionally unhealthy person who expects, or perhaps even demands, respect from you, but doesn't return it, realize you are never going to get the respect you deserve from them. Don't beat your head against the wall about it or let it upset you. Seek someone else out with whom you can form a respectful relationship.


• Don't argue with them, even if you know they are wrong, and even if they are treading in your domain of expertise. If you know their fear of failure or being wrong overrides their desire to learn from you or find the correct solution, arguing with them is a bad idea. It just makes both of you angry, and it won't solve anything.


• Along with the strategy above, if the emotionally unhealthy person in your life is a know-it-all, let them show off. If it's clear they are not going to learn from you, or anyone else, don't waste your energy trying. Find someone you can influence and concentrate your efforts on them. It will be much more rewarding.


• If they are the type who asks for your ideas then argues with or rejects them, don't expend a lot of energy trying to come up with the best or most original ideas. If you are asked to give a list of ideas to your boss, unfortunately, you have to do it, but you don't have to give all of your effort. Just give enough to satisfy his or her request, and no more.


• If they ask you a question, but don't really take the time to listen to you, give them short answers. When they ask something like, "How's work going?" don't launch into a long, detailed explanation that you know they are going to interrupt anyway. Just answer with something like, "Oh, about the same as usual. You know how it is." Then let them take over the conversation again, just like they would have anyway.


• Establish your boundaries and stick to them. If you work with someone who wants to get more personal than you wish, you are under no obligation to respond. Even if it's a boss, you can say, "That's a boundary issue, and I'm not comfortable discussing it."


• Have another outlet. Find another person or place where you can express yourself the way you want, such as a partner, a blog or a hobby. If you find another outlet to express yourself, it makes it easier to get through your encounters with the emotionally unhealthy person because you are not dependent on them for your own self-esteem and expression.


• Shut the person out of your mind once you are away from them. Don't get away from the emotionally unhealthy person after a peaceful encounter, then spend the next two hours ranting and raving about them. This can be difficult not to do, as you may have pent-up emotions that you have been holding back all day, but the emotionally unhealthy person doesn't deserve that much of your mental energy. If you must vent, pick three things you want to say about the person, say those things, then move on.


• Do something for yourself. It will help restore your emotional balance if you have something planned for yourself after your encounter with the emotionally unhealthy person. You'll feel much better!


These strategies have helped me survive when dealing with emotionally unhealthy people, and perhaps they can help you, too.

What strategies do you use for dealing with emotionally unhealthy people? I'd like to hear them!

Emotionally unhealthy people can hurt you

I am lucky enough to have many wonderful people in my life who love and support me. My husband, my family, most of my co-workers and most of my friends don't really give me cause for complaint.

But there are those few people in my life with whom I don't think I'll ever be able to establish a healthy, mature relationship. For a long time, I wondered if it was me, but after observing them with other people, I think it's them. I don't think they are able to have a healthy adult relationship with anyone.

Why? Because they are what I call emotionally unhealthy. They are the people who react in strange and unexpected ways to you simply being yourself, leaving you quite unsure of what just happened.

If you’re trying to live a healthy life – one that includes self-examination, learning and growth – these emotionally unhealthy people can harm it by causing you extra stress, draining your mental energy and screwing up your emotional state.

It's like the Pareto principle, also known as the 80-20 rule, which says that for many events, 80 percent of the effects come from 20 percent of the causes. When applied to the people in your life, it means that 80 percent of your emotional stress comes from 20 percent of the people. Consequently, 80 percent of your time and energy also goes into managing and dealing with that 20 percent.

I've had some experiences with emotionally unhealthy people, and they certainly cause 80 percent of my mental stress. Here are some of the unhealthy traits they can show.

• They have to be the center of attention. Sometimes they become childish and petulant if they don’t feel like people are paying attention to them.


• They seek acceptance and respect, but they don't return it.


• They have to win an argument at all costs, sometimes even saying things that are “below the belt” to do so.


• They are know-it-alls. They have to show what they know, but don’t let you contribute your knowledge.


• They always have to be right.


• They ask for your ideas, then argue with them.


• They want to influence you, but won't let you influence them.


• They ask you a question, but then don't take the time to listen to your answer. As soon as they think of something else to say, they interrupt.


• They change the rules. As soon as you think you’ve established something about them and learned how to deal with them, they change on you, leaving you confused.


• They have bad boundaries. They either use you to fulfill some emotional need that is outside the purview of the relationship, or they take everything you do and say personally and make it about them.

If you have people in your life with these traits, instead of allowing them affect you in unhealthy ways, you need to devise strategies for putting boundaries on them so they don’t suck away your mental energy and harm your emotional well-being.

In my next post, I’ll explore some of the strategies I’ve used for dealing with the emotionally unhealthy people in my life.

Do you have emotionally unhealthy people in your life? In what ways do they harm you? What traits do they show?